If you are a family member of a person who has been sexually abused, it is important for you to read and understand this section. Social support is an extremely important component of healing for the abused (in this section, I will refer to the abused in the feminine person). If the abuser was someone outside the immediate family, it is fairly easy to condemn the abuser and to support the abused. A stranger, a former teacher, or a clergyman/woman will not pose a threat to your family's self esteem. In that scenario, you'll have no problem in comforting the abused and insisting that justice is served with legal proceedings against the abuser.

However, if the abuser is a relative, an uncle or aunt, a sibling or parent, a close friend or other relative just outside the immediate family, it becomes more challenging to deal with this tragedy. And, if the abuser is a family member, he or she will present a most difficult problem. How hard it must be for a parent or sibling to insist that the abuser seek continuous medical treatment, much the same as an alcoholic needs daily or weekly sessions to avoid drinking. How hard it must be for family members to accept that their family now is less than perfect, that they all can learn from this, and that the person abused has a high risk for a multitude of mental and physical diseases. Yet, viewing problems as challenges is how winners achieve great things. Conversely, losers in life tend to view problems as hassles and terrific inconveniences and often never rise to conquer them.

It is common for one or two family members to support the abused while the rest will deny or make light of the "incident," quietly hoping that it will disappear and wishing that it never happened. It is also common for members of a large family to group together, assuming that safety comes in numbers, and ignore the problem. This only nurtures the terrible feeling of isolation for the abused and increases his or her chronic distress, which leads to further disease.

When Susie (see Susie's Story) first disclosed her extensive childhood sexual abuse to her family, the family was supportive. With eight brothers and sisters, it was hard for her to imagine how ten years of molesting could have continued without anyone's knowledge. At a rate of several times per week between age 13 and 23, she was attacked over 1,000 times by her brother, even while he was married. So, she assumed that the family would stand behind her when she disclosed her abuse. However, the patriarch of this family, her father, decided that he would never close his door to her abuser, his son, and, after a short time, announced this matter closed. Life would go on as it always had and, above all, no one should ever talk about this little "secret." This happened despite the abuser's admitting that he indeed was addicted. What was shocking was the mother's refusal to support her daughter, whom she had failed to protect as a child and whom she was again failing to protect. A mother's love is special and should be unconditional. However, if your child becomes a serial killer or a child molester, you need to realize that he or she has committed a criminal offense, needs to be punished, and requires extensive, on-going therapy.

Not all families side with the abuser, however. A high profile case involving a prominent Massachusetts businessman illustrates this. The Boston Globe reported that in the middle of December of 2005, John J. Donovan, Sr., head of Cambridge Executive Enterprises, was shot multiple times in his company's parking lot in Boston. A former MIT professor, Donovan had started numerous companies including one computer consulting company valued at over one billion dollars. His net worth is estimated at over 100 million. But several years ago one of his five children, a daughter, filed an affidavit claiming that Donovan had sexually abused her for years. These allegations hurt his company and his client base shrank. Her brothers and sisters supported her and now communicate with their father through attorneys. George Regan, whose public relations company has been hired to rebuild the public image of Donovan's company, was quoted in the Globe, "The professor is a genius. But I don't think he ever expected to find himself nominated for father of the year." While incidents such as this one are but another example of unfortunate sexual abuse, seeing an entire family rally behind the abused is extremely encouraging.

By failing to support the abused, the immediate family worsens life for this person. This contributes to the chronic distress of the abused and, over time, will increase the chances of him or her developing psychological or physical disease. For a complete explanation of medical studies showing the relationship between sexual abuse and disease, please look at the section on this website on health consequences, medical studies and psychoneuroimmunology. You may not want to believe what you read; but these are articles published in well-known, refereed medical journals. If you claim to care at all about your abused family member, you should read and understand. Your rejection of the abused only hurts your loved one.

By failing to insist that the abuser, also your family member, begins a long-term program of therapy, you also open the door for him or her to continue sexual abuse. Medical experts agree that addiction to sexual abuse is one of the most difficult to treat, even worse than smoking, alcoholism, and gambling. It's an addiction that is never satisfied. The abuser, if not treated with extensive therapy, may continue his or her abuse on weak, unsuspecting victims. Hence, a family that condones this behavior is also partly responsible if such behavior continues.

So how can you help the abused family member? First of all, ask him or her what you can do. Let the survivor dictate terms. Realize that anger, fear, worrying, and frustration are abundant in this scene and that your patience, love, and understanding will be appreciated more than you know. These are some way in which you can help.

1. Consider hiring a psychologist to conduct a series of family meetings to explain the nature of sexual abuse, the characteristics of the abuser, and how to best repair relationships.
   
2. Do what the abused asks of you, as long as it's not contrary to your ethics. Let him or her set the tone and direct the relationship.
   
3. Respect that the survivor may need his or her own space and may need some distance. Don't insist on making the survivor adhere to your schedule.